The Book of Ehud

Courtesy of Private Eye, Issue 1164:

The Smighty Warriors go forth

1. And lo, it came to pass that Ehud sent the mighty warriors of Israel, the sons and even the daughters of Israel, indeed all the children of Israel who could carry a sword or ride in an chariot of iron, into the land of Leb-a-non.

2. And Ehud spake unto the children of Israel in this wise: O children of Israel, the time hath come for the smiting that will end all smiting.

3. For too many years the Hez-boll-ites have been an thorn in our flesh, like unto the scorpion that creepeth up in the night and stingeth a man in his foot, yea, even before he can lay his hand upon the flip-flop beneath his bed in order to smite it dead.

4. Talking of which, Ehud concluded, it is time for some serious smiting, even the final day of reckoning with the Hez-boll-ites.

5. "Ye are to go into the land of the cedars in Lib-anus and smite all that moveth - not just the Hez-boll-ites but also the Leb-an-ites (who may be no friends to the Hez-boll-ites but that is just the luck that is called tough) and indeed anyone else who getteth in our way".

6. And the children of Israel saith unto themselves, yea, it will all be over in seven days.

7. And it will be like unto an piece of cake.

8. So the warriors of Israel went forth into the land of Leb-a-non to do as they had been commanded by Ehud, the son of Sharon.

9. But, lo, it was not as had been foretold by Ehud.

10. For the Hez-boll-ites had hidden themselves privily, in caves and holes in the ground, like unto the cunning fox which concealeth itself by day and, when the night comes, jumpeth out and fireth a rocket at Haifa.

11. And so it was with the Hez-boll-ites. And the children of Israel found themselves on the receiving end of a smiting, for an change.

12. And in the streets of Haifa there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

13. For many had been slain, even men, women and children.

14. Though not as many as the Leb-a-nites, men, women and children, who had been slain by the children of Israel.

15. So it continueth for six days, And on the seventh day Ehud looked upon what he had done and said "This is not good".

16. And he cried aloud cursing the Hez-boll-ites with an mighty curse, saying "This goeth not according to plan".

17. "So it is time for the plan that is called B - that is to say, more smiting".

18. And where Ehud had smote an hundred-fold, he now smote an thousand-fold, even the cities of Tyre and Sidon, and many others too numerous to mention (but they are all named in the Bible).

19. And among those who were smitten were the sons of Un, who are called the makers of peace.

20. But, lo, the Hez-boll-ites were still there, like unto the nettle of the desert which, the more it is cut down, the more it groweth up to sting again.

21. And the children of Israel muttereth among themselves, saying, "Verily this Ehud has been put to the test and hath been found sorely wanting".

22. "For even Sharon, who sleepeth like unto one who is dead, would make a better fist of it".

23. And Ehud took counsel of himself, asking what he should now do.

24. And what, he asketh, who Sharon have done if he were standing in my shoes?

25. And the answer cameth to him as follows: "I know - all that is needed is more smiting".

Chapter 95: The Miracle at Qana

1. And lo, it came to pass that in the town of Qana which is in Galilee then were many Leb-a-nites, women and children, gathered together in one dwelling, for they had taken refuge there and they were sore afraid.

2. And they had good reason.

3. For Ehud had sent out his flying weapons by night and smote them all, even as they slept.

4. And all the children of Israel were amazed and cried out "Verily, this is the Miracle of Qana. Ehud hath turned living people into dead ones".